The Year of “No”

2018 was rough.

Let me explain:

Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely some epic highs. I had amazing travel experiences, wonderful memories, new and deepening friendships that have been a blessing, and I started a blog 😉

But mostly, it sucked.

A kamikaze dear obliterated the front of my car. The day before my birthday no less!

I left a job that I loved because it was breaking my heart.

I said goodbye to a wonderful Grandmother who has been a beautiful part of my life. I miss her a lot.

I made some choices that I was really excited about, that I thought were the answer to my problems, but turned out to lead to more disappointments.

I made some big goals for myself that I was excited to achieve but did not actually accomplish which led to shame and doubt.

I had to acknowledge that my cherished plan for what my next few years would look like was not going to happen.

I had important relationships that changed for the worse and I have to accept will never be the same again.

I ghosted on some of my commitments in a way of which I am ashamed.

And most of all, the depression and anxiety I have fought my whole life, that I felt like I had victory over for years, resurfaced.

This sounds complain-ey, doesn’t it? I don’t mean to be overly dramatic. I’ve been undeniably blessed by health, safety, security, and people who love me. But I’ll be honest, I’m just sad. The knowledge of that has made me feel selfish and ashamed.

I am blessed, indeed. I am also sad right now. I am learning that it is ok for both of these things to be true.

Many people I know have had a wonderful year. There have been engagements, marriages, births, new homes, and adventures. What a beautiful blessing that God gave us seasons; a time for joys as well as sorrow.

However, I know many people, like me, had a rough year. A year of loss, of hurt, of disappointments, and unmet expectations. A year that did not show up in the instagram feed because it does not meet the criteria for the carefully crafted perfect life we portray and wish was ours.

I am saying this to you now and to myself: a new year is a gift. A new beginning. It’s true that not much actually changes between 11:59PM December 31 and 12:00AM January 1. But if not a change in circumstances there is a chance for a change in perspective and a change of heart. I have the opportunity be victorious over 2019, regardless of whether is holds joys or sorrows.

I don’t feel victorious right now. I feel raw and shattered. But from from a tear soaked pillow and hiding under my covers in the a fetal position I’m whispering a new resolution for 2019. Dangerous, I know; resolutions seem to be made to be broken. But this one is pretty simple, and I’m praying for the strength to keep it.

This year, I’m saying “no”.

“No” to things that I want to do but don’t have the time or emotional energy to do well.

“No” to things that promise to fill me but ultimately pull me further from God and leave me feeling empty.

“No” to the idea that if my life does not look like I planned it will not be fulfilling.

“No” to unrealistic expectations, most especially my own.

“No” to perfectionism.

“No” to shame.

“No” to hopelessness.

“No” to the lie that I am not worthy the love of my heavenly father and of the inheritance of His kingdom that was freely given to me as His adopted daughter.

So, with no expectations for what 2019 should or should not look like I’m starting off the year of “no” with hope and prayers for myself and for you.

Happy New Year.